Wordlab

I’ve been on a rampage though the patent database trolling for unusual names and language. Here is another gem: Tortoise penis kidney-tonifying wine. Betcha’ never thought you could patent such a concoction! In case you want to try to brew this baby up at home, the patent abstract lists the key ingredients:

The invention discloses tortoise wine for invigorating the kidney. The technical key points of the invention are that the wine is made by infusing live turtle, deer scourge, fur seal scourge and such Chinese herbal medicine as honeysuckle, osmanthus flower, codonopsis pilosula, angelica, morinda root, leatherleaf milletia, dodder, Schisandra, radix achyranthis bidentatae, Cherokee rose, barrenwort and grain wine. The wine for invigorating the kidney of the invention ahs the effects of invigorating the kidney, benefiting the stomach, strengthening the human immunity, resisting the fatigue and preventing the aging.

I was especially struck — after “tortoise penis” — by the ingredients “deer scourge” and “fur seal scourge”. I thought, is there another, more benign meaning of “scourge” that I’m not aware of? Nope, all the definitions of “scourge” are pretty grim:

• noun: a whip used to inflict punishment (often used for pedantic humor)
• noun: a person who inspires fear or dread
• noun: something causes misery or death
• verb: punish severely; excoriate
• verb: whip
• verb: devastate or ravage

This “kidney-tonifying wine” sounds even more inviting than the “turtle deer donkey wine” I posted yesterday, unless you’re a “live turtle”.

Basically what you’ve got here is “pureed tortoise penis and other animal crap that will cause you misery or death.” You see, it succeeds in “preventing the aging” by killing you outright. There, no more worries about aging.