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From Kurt Schwitters’ Asthmatic Poem

May 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm in Dada

once I made poems out of sneezes / uh uh uh / they were famous / in drizzly Hannover / uh huh / home of symphonic sniffles / uh

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50 celebrity baby names

May 7, 2010 at 11:26 am in Name Ideas

The Times UK call them the “50 craziest celebrity baby names,” but some are quite good. Perhaps some were poached from Wordlab’s Baby Names archive list.

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Worlab shoutout to Forum superstars

May 7, 2010 at 11:10 am in Shoutout

A big shoutout to Chris, Rogere, Blindweezy, Quipping Queen, and Sigi for all your great work on the Forums. All Wordlab members are encouraged to help out with name suggestions for others — jump in, it’s fun.

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A rose that will split your head open

May 7, 2010 at 10:28 am in Dada

Miniature rose plant named Poulvok,” meet “Automatic livestock head splitter.” I’m sure you two will have lots to talk about.

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Raise high your glass of tortoise penis kidney-tonifying wine and prepare for the scourge

May 6, 2010 at 6:51 pm in Names/Naming

hunter with pronounced shaftI’ve been on a rampage though the patent database trolling for unusual names and language. Here is another gem: Tortoise penis kidney-tonifying wine. Betcha’ never thought you could patent such a concoction! In case you want to try to brew this baby up at home, the patent abstract lists the key ingredients:

The invention discloses tortoise wine for invigorating the kidney. The technical key points of the invention are that the wine is made by infusing live turtle, deer scourge, fur seal scourge and such Chinese herbal medicine as honeysuckle, osmanthus flower, codonopsis pilosula, angelica, morinda root, leatherleaf milletia, dodder, Schisandra, radix achyranthis bidentatae, Cherokee rose, barrenwort and grain wine. The wine for invigorating the kidney of the invention ahs the effects of invigorating the kidney, benefiting the stomach, strengthening the human immunity, resisting the fatigue and preventing the aging.

I was especially struck — after “tortoise penis” — by the ingredients “deer scourge” and “fur seal scourge”. I thought, is there another, more benign meaning of “scourge” that I’m not aware of? Nope, all the definitions of “scourge” are pretty grim:

  • noun: a whip used to inflict punishment (often used for pedantic humor)
  • noun: a person who inspires fear or dread
  • noun: something causes misery or death
  • verb: punish severely; excoriate
  • verb: whip
  • verb: devastate or ravage

This “kidney-tonifying wine” sounds even more inviting than the “turtle deer donkey wine” I posted yesterday, unless you’re a “live turtle”.

Basically what you’ve got here is “pureed tortoise penis and other animal crap that will cause you misery or death.” You see, it succeeds in “preventing the aging” by killing you outright. There, no more worries about aging.

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Band name idea: Impregnated Monoliths

May 6, 2010 at 5:41 pm in Name Ideas

Band name idea: Impregnated Monoliths

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Retro ugly

May 6, 2010 at 2:58 pm in Dada

Retro ugly: Use Geocities-izer to “Make any Webpage [like this one] Look Like It Was Made By A 13 Year-Old In 1996.”

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Care for a glass of turtle deer donkey wine?

May 5, 2010 at 3:25 pm in Dada

Drink up: Making process of turtle-deer-donkey wine

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New Restaurant / Bar name generator added

May 4, 2010 at 5:44 pm in Names/Naming, Wordlab

If you need to name a restaurant, bar, pizzaria, taco stand, tavern, pub, cafe, bagel shop, or any fine dining or drinking establishment, Wordlab’s Restaurant / Bar Name Generator is to die for, with over 100,000 potential names to whet your appetite.

Here is a batch of Restaurant Names I just generated, fresh from the kitchen:

Shitaki Lounge
Volta Kitchen
Flamethrower
Stuffed Shirt Tearoom
Jerky Jim’s
Plonk
Mystic Taqueria
Goat and Guru Bistro
Firebelly
Café Left Blank
Circula Restaurant

If you need help with specific restaurant / bar names and the Restaurant / Bar Name Generator isn’t quite working out for you, sign up for a free Wordlab membership and post a New Topic to the Restaurant Names group Forum, and members of the Wordlab community will jump in and help you cook up something delicious. And see all the other name generators on our Name Generators page.

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Great Recession stages of grief in songs of “can’t”

April 29, 2010 at 3:52 pm in Culture / History, Language

The Great Recession of 2008-09 has so scarred us all, it seems fitting to process it culturally through the Stages of Grief. Inspired by this Wordlab Forum punnery that moved me from “quant” to “can’t”, I started thinking of songs whose titles include the word “can’t”, as in Can’t Buy Me Love, in terms of finance and the recent economic meltdown.

So to make all this cant even campier, let’s process our collective trauma over the Great Recession through the Sages of Grief in songs of “can’t”, leading off with an extra stage that sets-up our cultural addiction to the dream of spectacular profits:

1. Addiction — Show me the money!

You Can’t Resist It
Money Can’t Buy It
I Can’t Wait
I Can’t Decide
Can’t Say No
Can’t Stay Away
Can’t Take My Eyes Off You
Can’t Fight This Feeling
Can’t Slow Down
Just Can’t Get Enough
I Can’t Help Myself
I Can’t Quit You Baby
Can’t Live Without You
I Just Can’t Help Believing
I Just Can’t Wait to Be King

2. Shock and disbelief — Housing prices can’t go down!

I Can’t Be Bothered
Can’t Believe It
Can’t Take It In
Can’t Happen Here
I Can’t Tell You Why
I Can’t Explain

3. Denial — It’s just a blip on the way to greater market value.

It Can’t Rain All the Time
Can’t Stop Me
Can’t Tell Me Nothing
You Can’t Take Me
Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop
Rudie Can’t Fail
I Can’t Go For That
Can’t Give Up Now
You Can’t Catch Me
You Can’t Bring Me Down
They Can’t Take That Away From Me

4. Anger — Bernie Madoff did what with my pension?!!!

I Can’t Stand the Rain
Can’t Stand You
U Can’t Touch This
(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction
I Can’t Outrun You
You Can’t Win
Can’t Stand It
I Can’t Stand It No More

5. Bargaining — Mr. Banker, will you renegotiate my mortgage?

Why Can’t You See
I Can’t Do It Alone
Why Can’t I?

6. Depression — We’re fucked, and soon we’ll be living in mud huts again.

Can’t Get You out of My Head
Can’t Keep It In
Can’t Stand Losing You
Can’t Get Over You
Can’t Cry Anymore
Can’t Go Back
Can’t Go On
Can’t Get There From Here
Can’t Let Go
Can’t Shake It
Can’t Find the Words
Can’t Get It Out of My Head
Can’t Sleep At Night
Can’t Finish What You Started
Can’t Get Out of What I’m Into
I Can’t Do This
Can’t Stop This Thing We Started
Can’t Stop This
Can’t Go Back Now
Can’t Stop the World
Can’t Let Go
Can’t Get Away
A Fire I Can’t Put Out

7. Acceptance — I don’t really even need a house, now that I have an iPad!

This Can’t Be Healthy
Can’t Deny It
I Can’t Deny
Can’t Have It All
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
You Can’t Turn the Tide
You Can’t Stop the Rain
We Can’t Help You
Can’t Be A Cowboy Forever