Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the PC

This is My Confession

Abandoned at birth, I was an illiterate orphan, a kindergarten dropout with boils all over my face. I often forgot to bathe. Burger King rejected me. I became depressed, began to lose precious self-esteem, and grew enormously fat. Nearing the end of my tether, I tried to join far-Right Christian cults, but they too would not have me.

Desperately in need of a bathroom one day, I inadvertently stumbled into the public library. Sure, I’d heard of libraries before – that’s where you got those funny bricks that come in all sizes and colors and open up in the middle.

On my way back out from the bathroom, I was inexplicably drawn to a glowing orb with buttons in front of it – a computer, I eventually learned. I began pressing buttons at random, and magical things appeared on screen. Since nobody hit me in the head and swore at me, I decided this must be a good thing, and I liked it. For the first time in twelve decades, I was learning something. Neurons that had sublet space in my brain to advertising agencies sobered-up and evicted their tenants. My mind was ramping up.

I learned, I thrived, I grew. I came back every day. I discovered the Internet, I discovered email, and I discovered chat groups, where I learned from others like me how to be polite, count out the proper amount of money when buying things in stores, and how to shave and shower. I learned what a President was, and I wrote letters to him. I lobbied Congress. I completed a Masters in Business Administration and a PhD in 9th Century English Literature through an accredited online university. I learned Latin and graduated top of my class.

Suddenly, I was everywhere, both in life and in the media. You couldn’t pick up a NY Post, Reader’s Digest or Le Monde without seeing my picture, or reading about what I’d done the night before with Elizabeth Hurley in Hungary, with Madonna in Mallorca, or with Billy Bob Thornton in Biloxi. I became very influential, and used my influence to change the world, one little bit at a time. Friends – and I now have many – urged me to run for office. However, I was beginning to get bored with my new celebrity, and desperately missed the many fond hours I had spent in front of the computer. So I abandoned my budding political career and instead became an Internet pioneer, right at the beginning of the most glorious economic boom in the history of the planet.

Again, I became fabulously famous, and everyone followed my every move. I was the ultimate high-tech guru. Confounding the pundits, I rejected offers to co-found the companies Amazon.com, eBay, Yahoo, and Google, opting instead to realize my life long dream of creating a new, better language for commerce and society. Yes friends, in 1998 I co-founded Wordlab with my partner quark, and the rest – as they will undoubtedly say someday – is history.

So you see, Mr./Ms. Anonymous, the computer is the most beautiful creature ever to share my bed – and I’ve had my pick of the litter, believe-you-me. I only hope it’s been as good to all of you as it has been to me. -Snark

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