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In the spirit of our duly (singly?) elected President, I decided to come up with a
suggestion everyone could live with, even if nobody actually likes it. To advocate either
saving, spending, or donating to a worthy cause this massive infusion of lucre would
invariably tip the delicate political balance in favor of Left or Right, Up or Down, Tipper
or Laura. So, call what follows the Stem Cell Solution of the Tax Rebate Dilemma.
You know that creative and distinctive style of decorative home
stencil painting
that is ever so popular all across the USA today? Well, get ready to dress up your own domicile
with this fun and easy $600 home improvement technique that actually pays you back over time.
Money Laundering
First, take your official, void-after-one-year United States Treasury check (mine says
"Austin, Texas" on it - is the Federal Government being downsized to Texas?) for $600
to your local bank and cash it in for 600 one-dollar bills. Be sure to ask the teller
for "brand new, mint condition" bills. If the teller hems and haws, be firm - this is
the kind of thing banks have in abundance, though the teller my have to exhale a deep
sigh and go to the manager, the vault, or the basement to dig up the extra-crispy
G.W.s (George Washintons).
Eventually, the teller will return with six neat hundred-bill stacks, each
secured by a little paper garter belt. Pull out one of the
bills and offer to tip the teller for his/her trouble. The teller is obligated to decline
such payola, so you won't be out any money; should the teller accept, quickly pull the
dollar back and alert the authorities. Feeling smug after helping to apprehend another
felonious member of the banking cartel, gently stuff your bricks of cash into a manila
envelope you brought along for this purpose and exit the bank.
Next Stop: Your Favorite Office Supply Conglomerate
At the friendly office mega-warehouse, purchase one restickable adhesive glue stick,
which dispenses the same sort of glue that makes those ubiquitous square yellow memo
papers (remaining brand-neutral to the bitter end, I am). This is an important
distinction - do not get a permanent glue stick by accident, as it could end up being a
six hundred dollar mistake. The glue stick should cost you around one dollar, so let's
pull two from one of our crispy stacks to cover overhead operating expenses. Head on home
with your fresh glue stick and $598 in raw materials - it's time to redecorate the home.
The Home Stretch
The average size of US currency is 2.652 inches high by 6.125 inches wide. 598 one-dollar
bills placed end-to-end will be roughly 3,662.75 inches long, or 305.22916 linear feet.
This is long enough to provide a beautiful decorative border to the walls of one large or
two small rooms in your house. First, measure four (Modern style) to eight (Classical) inches
down from your ceiling and draw a faint, level pencil line on all walls to be transformed.
Next, apply a single bead from the removable glue stick along all four edges of your Tax
Rebate bills, either the front, back or intermingled as you choose (I personally prefer
the iconographic power of all those little George heads smirking at me while I eat
dinner or watch Fear Factor, but
this being America you get to decide for yourself). Gently affix the tacky currency to
the wall, aligning the top of the bill to the pencil line you drew. Repeat the process
until you have exhausted the remainder of your tax refund.
When you are finished, you will have created a stunning new look in your home for a cost
of only two dollars. No, that's not a typo - this is where the philosophical implications
of removable adhesive get played out in the national bully pulpit of domestic interior
decoration. Whenever a real need arises to spend a few dollars, whether for a worthy cause
or frivolous entertainment or a cheap thrill, simply peel from your walls just what you
need for the expense at hand and enjoy. The gaps in your decorative wall-band will
continually remind you how spendy or tightfisted you are, while the remaining bills will
provide a little ray of hope that, no matter how bleak your personal fortunes may get,
you'll still have a little green left up there on the wall to buy the latest
Mariah Carey CD, pay for the clean-up of an oil-encrusted seagull, or settle that
outstanding parking ticket.
[Editor's Note: After all that hard work, Snark - still operating
in the third person - read the fine print of the usaweekend.com contest rules, only
to discover to his dismay that the fine folks at USA Today are not looking for an
essay, but rather just a single sentence. Feeding the above to his pet monitor
lizard, Snark re-jiggered his synapses and came up with the following lame
approximation of humor for his official contest entry]:
At the bank I will trade the check for 600 extra crispy new one-dollar bills and load
them into my custom-built PEZ candy dispenser with the G.W. Bush head on top; whenever
I want to spend a dollar on anything, I will tilt back the head and out will pop a fresh
bill from the President's mouth.
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