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This is My Confession
Abandoned at birth, I was an illiterate orphan, a kindergarten
dropout with boils all over my face. I often forgot to bathe. Burger
King rejected me. I became depressed, began to lose precious self-esteem,
and grew enormously fat. Nearing the end of my tether, I tried to
join far-Right Christian cults, but they too would not have me.
Desperately in need of a bathroom one day, I inadvertently stumbled
into the public library. Sure, I'd heard of libraries before - that's
where you got those funny bricks that come in all sizes and colors
and open up in the middle.
On my way back out from the bathroom, I was inexplicably drawn
to a glowing orb with buttons in front of it - a computer, I eventually
learned. I began pressing buttons at random, and magical things
appeared on screen. Since nobody hit me in the head and swore at
me, I decided this must be a good thing, and I liked it. For the
first time in twelve decades, I was learning something. Neurons
that had sublet space in my brain to advertising agencies sobered-up
and evicted their tenants. My mind was ramping up.
I learned, I thrived, I grew. I came back every day. I discovered
the Internet, I discovered email, and I discovered chat groups,
where I learned from others like my how to be polite, count out
the proper amount of money when buying things in stores, and how
to shave and shower. I learned what a President was, and I wrote
letters to him. I lobbied Congress. I completed a Masters in Business
Administration and a PhD in 9th Century English Literature through
an accredited online university. I learned Latin and graduated top
of my class.
Suddenly, I was everywhere, both in life and in the media. You
couldn’t pick up a Post, Reader’s Digest or Le
Monde without seeing my picture, or reading about what I’d done
the night before with Elizabeth Hurley in Hungary, with Madonna
in Mallorca, or with Billy Bob Thornton in Biloxi. I became very
influential, and used my influence to change the world, one little
bit at a time. Friends – and I now have many – urged me to run for
office. However, I was beginning to get bored with my new celebrity,
and desperately missed the many fond hours I had spent in front
of the computer. So I abandoned my budding political career and
instead became an Internet pioneer, right at the beginning of the
most glorious economic boom in the history of the planet.
Again, I became fabulously famous, and everyone followed my every
move. I was the ultimate high-tech guru. Confounding the pundits,
I rejected offers to co-found the companies Amazon.com, eBay, Yahoo,
and Google, opting instead to realize my life long dream of creating
a new, better language for commerce and society. Yes friends, in
1998 I co-founded WordLab with my partner Quark, and the rest -
as they will undoubtedly say someday - is history.
So you see, Mr./Ms. Anonymous, the computer is the most beautiful
creature ever to share my bed – and I’ve had my pick of the litter,
believe-you-me. I only hope it’s been as good to all of you as it
has been to me.
-Snark
[This originally appeared as a WordBoard
entry.]
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