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This is My Confession
Abandoned at birth, I was an illiterate orphan, a kindergarten dropout with boils
all over my face. I often forgot to bathe. Burger King rejected me. I became depressed,
began to lose precious self-esteem, and grew enormously fat. Nearing the end of my tether,
I tried to join far-Right Christian cults, but they too would not have me.
Desperately in need of a bathroom one day, I inadvertently stumbled into the public
library. Sure, I'd heard of libraries before - that's where you got those funny bricks
that come in all sizes and colors and open up in the middle.
On my way back out from the bathroom, I was inexplicably drawn to a glowing orb with
buttons in front of it - a computer, I eventually learned. I began pressing buttons at
random, and magical things appeared on screen. Since nobody hit me in the head and swore
at me, I decided this must be a good thing, and I liked it. For the first time in twelve
decades, I was learning something. Neurons that had sublet space in my brain to advertising
agencies sobered-up and evicted their tenants. My mind was ramping up.
I learned, I thrived, I grew. I came back every day. I discovered the Internet, I
discovered email, and I discovered chat groups, where I learned from others like my how
to be polite, count out the proper amount of money when buying things in stores, and how
to shave and shower. I learned what a President was, and I wrote letters to him. I
lobbied Congress. I completed a Masters in Business Administration and a PhD in 9th
Century English Literature through an accredited online university. I learned Latin
and graduated top of my class.
Suddenly, I was everywhere, both in life and in the media. You couldn’t pick up
a Post, Reader’s Digest or Le Monde without seeing my picture,
or reading about what I’d done the night before with Elizabeth Hurley in Hungary, with
Madonna in Mallorca, or with Billy Bob Thornton in Biloxi. I became very influential,
and used my influence to change the world, one little bit at a time. Friends – and I now
have many – urged me to run for office. However, I was beginning to get bored with my new
celebrity, and desperately missed the many fond hours I had spent in front of the
computer. So I abandoned my budding political career and instead became an Internet
pioneer, right at the beginning of the most glorious economic boom in the history of the
planet.
Again, I became fabulously famous, and everyone followed my every move. I was the
ultimate high-tech guru. Confounding the pundits, I rejected offers to co-found the
companies Amazon.com, eBay, Yahoo, and Google, opting instead to realize my life long
dream of creating a new, better language for commerce and society. Yes friends, in 1998
I co-founded WordLab with my partner Quark, and the rest - as they will undoubtedly say
someday - is history.
So you see, Mr./Ms. Anonymous, the computer is the most beautiful creature ever to
share my bed – and I’ve had my pick of the litter, believe-you-me. I only hope it’s been
as good to all of you as it has been to me.
-Snark
[This originally appeared as a
WordBoard entry.]
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